If you’re like me, nothing gets you quite as passive-aggressive as skiing. Being out on the slopes is great and in my view absolutely nothing quite matches up. But lo and behold there always has to be that one person on every run, in every lift queue or in any apres bar that really cheeses me off, and I know that a few times I’ve been ‘that guy’ who grinds someone’s gears. There are, however, some ways to avoid this passive-aggressiveness on the slopes altogether….
Control your speed
Lewis Hamilton, Concorde and the Voyager 1 – these all have one thing in common…you will never ski as fast as any of them. So you know what? Just don’t bother! There’s nothing worse than pootling nicely down a green or blue slope brushing up your technique when all of a sudden some moron comes hurtling past you going like the clappers, because at the top of the run they’d bet their mate ‘un grand biere’ that they can beat the land speed record on two planks of carbon fibre.
Don’t skip the queue
It’s commonly believed that as soon as you exit British airspace, before you even touch down in a European airport, the theory and practice of queuing is grabbed by the scruff of the neck, flushed down the airplane loo and banished into the English Channel. We’ve all been there, you pop to the toilet at the lift station and when you get out your friends or family members are already halfway to the lift – that doesn’t give you any right to waddle your way past everyone else queuing “oh…sorry….pardon me……excuse me……sorry my friends are just up there….”. Wait your turn, if your family and friends love you that much then I’m sure they’ll wait for you at the top. If they’re just pretending that they love you then attach yourself to someone else’s family – maybe they’re staying in a nicer chalet with an open bar.
Don’t drop litter
Okay, so not the kind of litter above. Drinks bottles and food wrappers are probably the most common thing dropped on ski slopes, there’s no excuse – just whack them in a bin! There’s usually one at the top of every lift, it saves the locals having to venture out and clean up in the summer when the snow’s melted. More importantly think about those poor marmots getting their little furry foot stuck in your Red Bull can, the only wings they’re getting are to help them up to those big alpine meadows in the sky.
Help your fellow skier (or boarder)
Sliding down the slope on your stomach is no-one’s forte. Once you reach the end of your slippery nightmare you then have to compose yourself and walk back up the piste to fetch your discarded skis and poles – commonly known in the winter sports world as a Yard Sale. Wouldn’t it be helpful if there was some kind person who stopped and picked up your belongings to help you out? Sure it would, just like in that Black Hawk Down film – leave no man behind. It takes two seconds to lend a helping hand. N.b. You should definitely do it if you’re the one that caused the belly slide.
Choose a good place to rest
It’s a commonly held belief that the best place to sit down and rest those aching muscles is in the middle of the piste below a lip or ridge. Unfortunately folks this is, in fact, untrue. Choose your picnic spot carefully, ideally off the piste if not right on the edge of it. Stopping below a lip is dangerous for both you and the person who might come hooning (technical term) over said lip, probably doing more damage than just snapping your jambon and fromage baguette.
Remember who has right of way
The skier or boarder in front. There we go, nice and easy.
Give people space
Unless it’s a peak week, the chances are you’re going to be skiing on some wide runs with not that many people. No-one wants a fellow snow-lover all up in their personal space skiing along shoulder to shoulder. Give other people room to turn and do whatever they want to do, don’t cut people up if you can avoid it. If you’re skiing behind a snowboarder try and ski around the front of them, not in their blindspot behind! Kids in ski schools can be a formidable force when you see them snaking down the piste, but as they generally follow the instructor in a snake formation (watch out for stragglers) you can slyly plan your route around them.
Know your limits
I know for a fact that I can’t do a triple backflip. I can’t do a double backflip. I can’t do a backflip – heck I struggle to go over green jumps without worrying my legs will fall off. For that reason I know that I’m not going to try it. Unless you fancy an extortionate medical bill and a 14 hour ambulance drive back to the UK like my Mum had to endure this holiday I would strongly recommend that you don’t push yourself too far. Sure push yourself a little bit, you’ll never learn otherwise, but if you’re going to try something super gnarly then it’s probably best you make sure you can do it in a trampoline centre first.
If you’re venturing off piste, know what you’re doing – or be with someone who does!
Unfortunately this season we’ve already seen a number of deaths due to avalanches (not all necessarily hurting skiers off-piste). If you have plans to venture off the marked slopes this winter then you should consider one (or both) of these options;
- Enrol in an avalanche safety course
- Hire a ski/mountain guide for the day
Just knowing vaguely what to do because you watched it on a YouTube video a few times isn’t quite enough if it ever comes down to it…fingers crossed it doesn’t.
Have fun!
You’ve spent all year looking forward to that one or two week when you can let loose and embrace the joys that the mountains bring, so do it! Don’t spend your time worrying that your technique isn’t perfect, that you haven’t hit that top speed you wanted to hit, or that maybe you shouldn’t have paid so much money for the portion of chips you had at lunch. CHILL. Sit back, relax and let your chalet staff sort out everything you usually have to deal with at home – you’re on holiday after all!
